So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
