Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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