I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
