I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
