dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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