i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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