When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize