drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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