ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
