I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
