I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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