I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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