Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
