grandma shit on top of the toilet
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
