My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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