Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
