Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I currently don't understand fingers.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
