So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We need to rekindle our bromance
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
