I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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