I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
