He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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