Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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