It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
