I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
