who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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