This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
