i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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