you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
