we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
