the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
