my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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