Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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