I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
