Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
