I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
