I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
