so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
