Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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