dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
