I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize