god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This house was built for laser tag.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
