Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
