She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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