we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
