Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
