put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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