My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
