There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
