If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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