I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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