Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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