so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
