i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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