she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
