Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize