my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
