My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
