I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I touched a dick in church today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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