"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
