just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
